Coupling Theory
I just finished the book “Talking to Strangers” by Malcom Gladwell, where he seeks to understand how a twenty eight year old woman (Sandra Bland) commits suicide in jail. The victim was pulled over from failing to signal a lane change and arrested after refusing to get out of her car on July 13th, 2015.
In the book he explained, using suicide as an example, of a phenomenon called Coupling. Often times, we quickly judge people’s behaviors but we rarely think of why they behave that way. Why are they willing to hurt themselves. We judge and we draw our own conclusions because as Gladwell states in the book, we only think of our own complexity, but others, we can “read” others.
In suicide for example as used in “Talking to Strangers”, we presume that if we take away the weapon used, if the person really wants to commit suicide they will do it another way. But, that isn’t exactly true. We fail to understand that suicide in fact is just the act, the behavior, but there is a reason why people are willing and so many successful at taking their own lives and usually in an architected manner. According to the CDC Statistics in the year of 2018, it was recorded that 48,344 people had committed suicide in the US, making suicide the 10th leading cause of death in the country. You want to know the worse statistic that I came across? Suicide is the second killer among teenagers.
If you have been following my content for a while, you know how much I talk about self love! We all go through shit storms in life, we all face something terrible at one point or another, but as hard as it may be, as torn as we may feel we have to choose ourselves.
To love yourself is not to be selfish, but it is to give to yourself before you give to others. It means to hold yourself accountable before telling others where they failed. Most certainly to love yourself you need courage to accept who you are, the good and the bad, the imperfections, and everything that makes you, you.
Self love is the behavior and it is also Coupled, similar to suicide it needs context. Being around people who support you and lift you up, speaking kindly to yourself, giving yourself the love and care you desire. Having standards and learning how to stand by what you believe in, that is self love!
Patricia Allen in her book “Getting to I Do” says you know someone loves you by the commitments they make and keep. Well, what are the commitments you are making and keeping with yourself? Are you holding yourself accountable for your happiness? Do you leave when situations no longer serve you?
We are all very complex and with a different set of cultures and history. We have a great opportunity to share our lives and our experiences inspiring each other virtually. But, as Malcom Gladwell phrased it, we must understand how to talk to each other, listen and try our best to understand kindly the complex world in which we all live in. This is why I decided to share more of how I got to accept my body, to accept what has happened to me and build the necessary courage I needed to share my life with you.
Suicide Hotline - 1-800-273-8255
Resources:
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org
https://afsp.org/suicide-statistics/